I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
These tits shall not be calmed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
