You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
