that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
