Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
