Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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