Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
