I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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