Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
