I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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