I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
