The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i think we sleep fucked last night...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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