we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
