Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
