Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
