no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
