Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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