The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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