On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
