Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
