why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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