I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
