I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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