Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
