Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
