i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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