he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Michael Bay diarrhea
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
