you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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