last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
