I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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