They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You need Xanax blowdarts
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
