I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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