then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
