While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
