I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
