I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
