When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
