glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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