You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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