I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
