# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
