you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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