dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
