Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
