Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
