at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
