Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
