I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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