Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
