Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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