Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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